Laura Brignone Bhagwat is a Ph.D. candidate at the University of California, Berkeley where she studies technology and domestic violence. Her dissertation tracks a public health intervention in hospital emergency rooms meant to prevent intimate partner homicide.
On a hot summer morning last year, I sat in a small room with fifteen pastors and ministers. Coffee and pastries were tucked into a corner, and the men and women of my county’s Interfaith Coalition to End Domestic Violence were introducing themselves. At the end of introductions, the pastor facilitating the meeting asked: “What are the biggest challenges facing your congregation when it comes to domestic violence?”
The answers started flying. “The abuser is a member of our church board!” “She just keeps going back to him and I don’t know what to do.” “Women in our church are taught to be meek and submissive, so when the abuser tells them something, they think they have no options.” “Victims are often looked down on when they speak out.” “Abusers misuse scripture to justify their actions.” “Even after [theological] seminary, I just don’t feel I have the training I need to respond to this issue.”As I’ve talked about domestic violence with friends and family members who have been bishops, many of these same challenges have emerged – and it’s not surprising. All clergy face these struggles. LDS bishops and branch presidents are lay ministers with full-time jobs, families and other responsibilities who also dedicate seemingly endless hours of their time to serve their Savior and their ward/branch through many, many responsibilities, of which one is responding to reports of domestic violence.
Bishops are responsible for ministering to both abusers and victims that may be in their ward. What might make a bishop or branch president’s job, at least in responding to domestic violence victims, a little easier? [1]
Responding to Abuse Victims
Diane’s husband, David, manages their finances and refuses to let her pay tithing on her income. He regularly mentions her lack of worthiness and her forfeited blessings – including her son’s temple wedding that she was unable to attend.
Katie told Kevin that she didn’t want sex. He called her disgusting names and threatened her until she was afraid to say no.
Jack got back late from an errand. Jennifer, his wife, locked him out of the house until he apologized to her in front of the children.
Petra told her fiancé, Paul, she was having doubts about their relationship. The next morning, a cherished painting by her grandfather was stabbed through with a kitchen knife. On it, Paul had written “don’t test me.”
Domestic violence is a form of abuse where one romantic partner (usually a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé/fiancée, or spouse) takes power and control over the other. Abusers abuse because they get something out of their behavior. In these scenarios, David wanted spiritual and financial control over Diane; Kevin wanted emotional and sexual control over Katie; Jennifer wanted physical control over Jack; Paul wanted psychological control over Petra.
Abusers choose abusive strategies and actions that will allow them to get what they want. Most do not have anger management issues or face mental illness, and this is evident when their abuse is directed toward their romantic partners or families, but not their boss, friends, or ecclesiastical leaders. Abusers do not always need or want others to see their abusive behavior in order to get something from the victim. However, abusive strategies are often used to manipulate family, friends, and religious or community leaders – as well as the victims themselves – to remove support from the victim and allow the abuser to get what they want. These strategies often use children as emotional collateral, as David did to Diane, and as Jennifer did to Jack. These strategies often involve making the victim look like the crazy or unfaithful one, as David did to Diane. These strategies also often involve making the victim more terrified to leave than to stay, as Paul did to Petra, and as Kevin did to Katie. [2]
Abuse is not the victim’s fault, although most victims blame themselves. Abuse is particularly insidious because abusers destroy victims’ senses of self-worth, self-trust and divine nature to keep victims under their power. Abuse imprisons the agency of its victim; the victim’s choices revolve around the abuser and are manipulated or coerced until they bend to the abuser’s will. By the time the victim talks with a bishop, the spiritual and psychological wounds inflicted by domestic violence are typically far more profound than any physical wounds.[3]
As Jeff Benedict wrote in the Deseret News,
“Further complicating matters is the fact that women who go to a bishop for help are usually too ashamed to give a blow-by-blow account of their experience. Think about it – if a woman has been called degrading four-letter words and obscene names by her husband [or other romantic partner], do you think she’d be comfortable repeating these terms to her spiritual leader?”
And if victims might feel uncomfortable repeating the words the abuser used, how uncomfortable might they feel repeating other parts of the story—pieces that may include descriptions of sexual activity, personal manipulation, or rage?
Many stories of abuse consist in what the victim does not say. Abuse is not always obvious, particularly when well-respected members of a community are the victims or abusers. As a result, asking clarifying questions and listening to both what is said and what is unsaid said can help identify cases of abuse. Things that are said may include: descriptions of problematic behavior, often with either notable agitation or eerie calm. Things that are unsaid may include: one partner’s silence or deference to the other when they’re together, a hole in a story that the person seems to deliberately avoid, dramatic changes in the victim’s personality or interests over time, marked changes in the victim’s personality or behavior when the abuser is around, and isolation from family and friends. For bishops, the gift of discernment is likely to be a crucial help in this regard. To address further questions about a situation, professional counselors at LDS Family Services or professional advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline may be able to help identify abuse and offer ideas on how to proceed.
Specific Guidelines For Responding To Abuse Victims
Additionally, here are some specific guidelines recommended by professional advocates in working with victims of domestic violence:
Avoid indicating that the victim may have “invited” or “triggered” the abuser to exert power and control: this plays directly into an abuser’s strategy. Avoid counseling couples together or recommending couple’s therapy, particularly when the victim first comes forward; abusers often manipulate those settings to feed their strategy. Avoid assuming abuse is less severe because the victim or abuser is young or unmarried. Avoid assuming the victim knew about the abuse before entering the relationship; they likely did not. Remember, the story you’ve heard is likely only the tip of the iceberg. Encourage other ward members to do this, as well. Statistics suggest that over a lifetime, about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experience extreme forms of abuse from their romantic partners; consider that at any time, as many as fifteen active members in a large ward could be victims of abuse.[4]
Use extreme caution when inviting victims to repent; many of their actions may have been coerced by the abuser or been carried out in self-defense. Use extreme caution when inviting victims to forgive; many victims are affected by PTSD or Stockholm syndrome, and attempting to forgive before these are healed will be ineffective at best, and may perpetuate the effect of the abuse on the victim. [5] Use extreme caution when discussing the abuser with the victim; defending the abuser will likely feed into the abuser’s narrative, and attacking the abuser may make the victim feel further ashamed of having entered the relationship or of the barriers to leaving it. Use cautious judgment and rely heavily on the gift of discernment when listening to an accused abuser’s side of the story. Abusers are often master manipulators and will twist words, tell half-truths, lead the conversation, and otherwise try to hide their actions, blame the victim, and turn family, friends, ecclesiastical leaders, and others subtly against the victim.
Consider letting the victim know the abuse is not their fault, and not their responsibility to solve. Consider letting the victim know that you believe them, and sincerely want to know what help they would like from you. [6] Consider calling the abuse “abuse;” labeling it as unrighteous dominion; describing it as unacceptable, as spiritually destructive. Victims may be wondering how to classify the anguish they feel and wondering if they are justified in feeling anguish due to the abuser’s mind games and manipulation. Giving abuse a name and describing its negative qualities can bring clarity and validation to the victim’s process. Consider explaining that God values them as an individual, and His plan of happiness – and the nature of eternal marriage itself – values their personal and individual progress and growth toward God. Consider referring the victim to community resources for help, such as advocacy, a hotline, a shelter, a therapist or a lawyer.
Community Resources
The pastors in the Interfaith Coalition meeting I attended were almost universally enthusiastic about community resources. Appropriate community resources provided the expertise, professional training, and community connections the pastors felt they lacked; these resources were locally, regionally and privately funded which allowed them to provide services for which the church didn’t have to pay. These resources included legally binding measures, when necessary, that would protect the victim and their children.
The same way you would refer a veteran suffering from PTSD to a specialized counselor who can help with that specific condition, you could refer a ward member suffering domestic violence to an organization that specializes in helping abuse victims.
Resources to look for in your area include:
Advocacy centers
- What advocacy does: helps victims reclaim agency; connect victims to specific services that match their situation, such as housing, counseling, shelter, services for children and legal services.
- What advocacy does not do: tells a victim what course of action to take.
- How to find advocacy: Call 211, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233), or your U.S. state’s Coalition Against Domestic Violence to learn what advocacy centers are available in your area. [7] Trained social workers or therapists in your ward or branch will also likely be able to direct you to high-quality area advocacy centers.
Therapists
- What therapy does: helps the victim heal from abuse. This may include processing trauma, including PTSD or Stockholm syndrome, alleviating self-blame, re-establishing the victim’s sense of self and self-efficacy, rebuilding a healthy bond with children after abuse, planning future steps, and more.
- What therapy does not do: connect a victim to physical services, such as finding alternative housing, or filing for custody or restraining orders.
- How to find a therapist: therapists that specialize in domestic violence may be recommended through an advocacy center or hotline; some services are free of charge, some on a sliding scale, some at cost. Other therapists may be found through LDS Family Services or the victim’s insurance. [8] Victims who are able may prefer to have consultation visits or phone calls with 2-3 therapists to find one with whom they feel comfortable.
Auxiliary services (legal/medical/housing/shelters/help for children)
- What auxiliary services do: provide practical, physical help for victims of abuse. This may include police reports; restraining orders; divorces; custody assistance; medical assistance, including doctor’s visits and physical or occupational therapy; emergency shelter; temporary or permanent housing; assistance with food or transportation; emergency cell phones; address confidentiality programs; therapy for children affected by violence; bussing and tutoring for children expelled from home; and more.
- What auxiliary services do not do: provide counseling or emotional/psychological healing to victims. Requirements for program use vary widely, and not all victims will be eligible for services from all programs. These varying requirements can be difficult to navigate.
- How to find auxiliary services: An advocate at an advocacy agency will typically talk through these options with the victim in an effort to find appropriate services. Depending on the advocacy center, the advocate may or may not be available for follow-up.
Domestic Violence Assistance in the Ward or Branch
The Interfaith Coalition Against Domestic Violence in my county meets monthly, and each month has a different theme. One month may focus on domestic violence and children, another on recognizing signs of abuse, another on how to counsel abusers, another on what churches and ministers can do to help victims achieve safety and healing.
In conversation, of course, the topics bleed into each other, so the group has spent many hours considering ways to make religious services / church communities places where victims feel they can seek healing, peace and safety.
Five of these ideas apply directly to LDS church services and the LDS ward family.
Holiness of Marriage
- Interfaith Coalition: Occasionally give sermons about healthy relationships.
- In an LDS setting: Occasionally dedicate sacrament meeting talks or 5th Sunday lessons to healthy relationships
Evil of Abuse
- Interfaith Coalition: Occasionally give sermons about abuse with specific enough language about the root nature of abuse—power and control, manipulation and mind games—that abusers who are not physically accosting (beating or raping) their partners, and victims who are not being physically accosted can still see themselves in the description. Decry abuse in these sermons as a perversion of God’s plan and indicate that resources are available.
- In an LDS setting: This could be implemented in a 5th Sunday lesson. I’ve lived in multiple states where individuals with expertise in these or related issues (child abuse, repairing non-abusive, challenged relationships) have been invited to wards in the stake to teach 5th Sunday lessons.
Teach Adults
- Interfaith Coalition: Host classes or seminars in the church during the week. Individuals learn healthy relationship skills and have a chance to assess their marriage in light of what they’re learning.
- In an LDS setting: The Strengthening Marriage and Family manual and the Preparing for an Eternal Marriage manual in YSA/SA wards course encompass the goal of positive relationship education. Some LDS Institutes and LDS Family Services centers offer relevant courses, as well.
The Strengthening Marriage and Family manual uses pithy, valuable language to address abuse in the “additional materials” section of Chapter 4. It primarily refers individuals to their bishops for help, so prepare for that! The Preparing for an Eternal Marriage manual does not address abuse specifically, but the lesson material in Lessons 4, 7, 14, 20 and others offer opportunities to address abuse. [9] To use these manuals to combat domestic violence, teachers may be encouraged to address this material.
Teach Youth
- Interfaith coalition: [10] Youth Sunday School lessons, mid-week youth group lessons, or other workshops may educate young people about healthy relationships and the nature of abuse. Abuse is most prevalent between ages 18-24, and many abusers and victims saw this dynamic as children. Education may help them break the cycle.
- In an LDS setting: Sunday School and Young Men/Young Women’s lessons in the month of August center around Marriage and Family; healthy relationship and abuse education could be included in these lessons. In YSA wards, this material could be shared in firesides, FHE workshops, Preparing for an Eternal Marriage Sunday school lessons, or 5th Sunday lessons.
Designate a “Point Person”
- Interfaith coalition: Designate someone in the congregation to be a “point person” for abuse – this may be a trained social worker or other knowledgeable helping professional in the congregation. They assist the pastor and are responsible for physical needs as the pastor cares for spiritual needs. This may include knowing what domestic violence advocacy centers/services are nearby, providing social or emotional support when accessing services, necessary transportation, etc.
- In an LDS setting: Many callings may be adapted to this role, and bishops may be inspired to call specific individuals to serve in this way. Some ideas include: ward LDS Family Services liaison, home/visiting teaching coordinators, Relief Society compassionate service leader, or ward service committee chair. A Relief Society-specific calling would not reach abused men, or abusers of any gender, so another calling could be considered for this assistance.
Conclusion
Domestic violence is not a part of God’s plan, and members of all faiths work to support the most vulnerable members of their congregations. As a church, we have unique insight into the centrality of agency in God’s plan, and are uniquely equipped to help victims and survivors of abuse reclaim their agency, spiritually heal, and continue forward in their eternal progression.
[1] This post specifically relates to bishops and victims of domestic violence. A future post may address bishops and abusers.
[2] This fear is well-founded. The most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is in the two weeks after leaving an abusive relationship (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995).
[3] The prophet Jacob in the Book of Mormon recognized this pattern. See Jacob 2, verses 8, 9, 31, and 35.
[4] For reference: Recommendation against couples counseling (American Medical Association Diagnostic and Treatment Guidelines on Domestic Violence, 1992); Statistics on domestic violence prevalence (The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2010 Summary Report).
[5] For reference: PTSD/Stockholm syndrome and domestic violence: Herman, J.L. (1995) “Chapter 6: Complex PTSD” in Psychotraumatology; Premature forgiveness and domestic violence: Reed, G. (2006). The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology; The most extreme forms of abuse are at least as common in dating violence as in married relationships: Block, C., “Chicago Women’s Health Risk Study, 1995-1998.”
[6] False reports of abuse are rare: Lisak, D., Gardinier, L, Nicksa, S.C., Cote, A.M. (2010). False allegations of sexual assault: an analysis of ten years of reported cases. Violence Against Women.
[7] National hotlines exist in other countries. For example, Mexico: Línea de atención por violencia (+52 01 800 10 84 053); Brazil: Serviço de Informação às Vítimas de Violência Doméstica (+55 800 202 148); Great Britain: National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline (+44 0808 2000 247). In addition, the Utah Coalition Against Domestic Violence invites faith leaders to contact their office for training or assistance supporting victims at 1-801-521-5544.
[8] If the victim’s insurance is provided by the abuser, ask the victim whether this option will work for them.
[9] Lesson 4: The Lord’s Standards for Dating; Lesson 7: Personal Worthiness and the Blessings of Eternal Marriage; Lesson 14: True Love; Lesson 20: Intimacy in Marriage
[10] This idea has broad interfaith support beyond this group. Not only did the Interfaith Coalition support this idea, I visited with a Jewish organization that provides faith-specific healthy relationship seminars to youth.